Dan Vs. The Master Cleanse *

Following a day (nay weekend) of drinking, general tomfoolery and excess, I have decided to begin today on something called The Master Cleanse. It involves consuming nothing but lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper for a recommended 10 days... Well, there is one another ingredient: a healthy helping of laxative tea. It seems completely nuts, but since I’m continually open to new things, I thought I’d try it. The photo above of me at a kilt (taken at the Highland Games in Ventura over the weekend) should prove just that.

I got Donna to play along, at least for awhile. She, however, is very concerned about the alarming instructions that one “be close to a toilet.” As a teacher, Donna has rather limited abilities to make emergency runs. My work, as a photographer/mid-level bureaucrat, has far more leeway in this regard.

The photo to the left depicts my morning, afternoon and evening meals for the immediate future. It tastes, as advertised, rather good. The cayenne pepper, so far, has been making me cough a bit, but otherwise, it’s just fine. Of course, it’s all of 9:30 a.m. on the first day of this faintly ridiculous experiment.

So, what follows from this is a daily log about my feelings, experiences and temperament while on this bizarre crash diet called “The Master Cleanse.”

MONDAY - 180 lbs., Feeling Good

I made a batch of the mixture for myself and Donna, using a bunch of lemons I bought for the purpose at Trader Joe’s. Now, as instructed, these are organic lemons, which are small, hard and not very juicy. It took the better part of a half-hour just to squeeze a half-cup out of the damn things. I believe I will be forgoing the “organic” label, and jumping straight for the big frankenfood lemons when I get to the store later today. Also, man, is there a lot of cayenne in this thing! My nose is sweating and my eyes are beginning to run. (Put that images back where it belongs.)

Though I do feel a touch heavy these days, the myriad of website regarding the Master Cleanse (or “The Lemonade Diet”) continually warn that this is not supposed to be a weight loss technique. Though you will lose weight on this diet (duh), it will not stay off, as the majority of the weight is, well, water weight, which will be gained right back. We’ll see.

I believe the most difficult part of this whole exercise for me will be staying away from coffee. Going out will be a pain, since I’ll be somewhat embarrassed to tell my friends: “Nothing for me, thanks. I’m on a fad diet used mostly by New Age hipsters and tweens with eating disorders in Silver Lake.” However, maybe if I take the ribbing, I’ll learn something about my friends and myself (cue the “Fat Albert” music here.)

And, away we go.

First thought: I”m feeling a touch woozy, actually. I wonder what that’s all about. Further bulletins as events warrant.

Now it’s the afternoon, and I’m feeling a bit better. It does feel weird not to have eaten anything today. I’ve heard that people really miss the sensation of chewing as much as anything. Personally, I think it’s going to be difficult to avoid the social awkwardness of not eating/drinking. It seems like it’s more of a diet on one’s social life than anything else.

TUESDAY

It’s over. I felt awful... Donna and I both had the worst headaches all day long, I was continually running to the bathroom. One of my coworkers, Shannon, told me that “of course you felt that way... you were getting toxins out.” Well, damnit. I love my toxins. I’m going to have a big glass of toxins right now.